The Outlaw Life

running, reading, blogging, loving

Dealing with Anxiety

on March 29, 2013

I actually want to cut the ‘tude usually on the blog and talk about something kind of serious today.

I struggle with anxiety. A lot. More than I think most people do, and as far as I know, I always have. I used to HATE being away from my parents as a kid because I was terrified something bad was going to happen to them while I was gone. I legitimately thought that, if something were to happen, its not that my being there would stop that mysterious thing, but at least I would be there to…say goodbye? Keep in mind I was going to Girl Scout camp when I thought this so I was, what, 10? Maybe 11? Heavy shit, right? It got to the point where I once rolled in poison ivy so that I could get sent home from camp early (note to all who think this is a good way to get out of your problems: it can take up to 10 days for the poison ivy to develop. Camp was only 7 days long. At least I went home with a memorable souvenir!). I was always that kid who left sleep overs early, and in high school I basically just avoided the problem by having my friends come to my house. Which, since I have a cool house and cool parents, they were more than willing to indulge me in. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I can’t spend the night somewhere other than my own home. I just feel far less comfortable when I do.

But it’s not just being strange places that gives me anxiety. It’s being asked to do things that involve what I call “confrontations” and most people would just call, you know “normal every day social interactions”. Example: if we don’t get the thing we ordered at the drive through, I don’t go back. BETTER example: today, when Mark asked me to take our cable boxes to UPS so that they could be shipped back to AT&T (we recently cancelled our cable) I freaked out. Like, short of breath and crying freaked out. Why? No idea. I mean, some idea. Because I didn’t want to do it. DID. NOT. I didn’t want to have to take the boxes and go talk to people I didn’t know, without all the original information – Mark had talked to AT&T on the phone and had gotten the “full” directions from them – and I didn’t want to have to do it. So I just got SO. PANICKED. Please tell me I’m not the only person out there this happens to? I know it’s not good. I know it isn’t. There is no God-given reason that, at 23 years old, I can’t go out in the world and preform simple tasks. And, at the end of the day, I find a way to get through those tasks – I may not go back to the drive through, but I took the cable boxes back: one had to be done, one didn’t. So I still function perfectly well in society. But it took me, like, an hour to work up to the point where the idea of going to UPS didn’t make the bottom drop out of my stomach.

I don’t know. I know that there are things I need to get better at doing for myself in order to decrease this anxiety. I can distance myself from it, talk myself through it. I can get the vitamin D I need and follow through on my organization plans in order to try and prevent it from occurring. And, since I can still participate in my life and the life of others, I don’t feel it’s an end-of-the-world thing. I guess I just wish it wasn’t a burden I had to deal with, one I had to find a way through to begin with. You guys can sympathize, right? I sure hope so, because let me tell you – running is one of the few things that just drains all that anxiety right out of my toes.

Because it wouldn’t be me if there weren’t something lol-ing.


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